Thursday, 9 April 2009

Literature: Willy Beam's Joys of Dating... Yates, Stratford

How was my Valentines Fam?

Fam, all the flashbacks are showing me, is that her mouth tasted like Oscar the Grouch left a tongue twister up in there! The smell was so killer, mans nose hairs disappeared quicker than Chris Brown's solo career! It was straight up and down like wash board ass……NASTY!

Later on in the evening, when mans eyes re-opened from the first of her stink waves, man was hit by the colours coming out her mouth, tasting straight evil Fam! How you going to asks mans “How you taste smells?!” Fam?! If N.E.R.D. can SEE sounds, man can TASTE smells, get me?!
And to cap it all, East London was working with a DIFFERENT type of cold on them sides there called Hypothermia - the conditions were cutting! You’re lucky your arrangements didn’t involve coming out your yard today, I'm telling you!

On that note, how are YOU on the phone, when man should be entertaining his woman at these 4am times?! Where's your chick at Fam?! Oh for real?... What right now... And she knows you’re on the phone to mans while she's doing that for you...?? Damn! Is that how you’re going on, about you've got your woman on lock Fam?! Make sure she puts a plate aside for mans, ain’t looking to be cooking on Sunday, ya get me?!

Shut up Fam, about man is stalling on the details... Mans just... embracing the reality of being able to feel and use mans bottom lip and jaw again. The feeling is heavenly, trust!
Right.... So it’s Valentines Day yeah? Instead of starring at mans phone all evening or keeping it local, man decides to come out the manor, jump in a cab through that South to East tunnel and hit Stratford. Oh yeah, by the way, when did your Uncle said mans car would be ready? Man has had it for weeks now! The get away car was missed tonight trust!

Anyways, your boy Dackor - yeah, from the chicken shop - said that there was one venue called Yates promising BARE gal in the place and credit crunch price drinks. None of that commercial take-your-wages-in-one-night business! So, the cab man dropped man off outside, and man did the queue ting, lost my virginity AGAIN to the hands of the bouncers and rolled up in the place and BAM! That's when man saw her Fam! Standing there on her 'Jacqueline Jones', looking spectacular, like stars glowing up in the place, like she was shining like stars just for me Fam, it was amazing!

YES Fam, man is aware of rule no. 2: 'Never check the first girl you see, cause she might be the butters friend out of the crew'. But if she was YOUR girl, would you have REALLY left her on her 'Jacqueline Jones' in a sea of sharks? It’s not happening Fam, it’s just not logical, get me?!
So man walked straight passed her, shared a smile, walked through the sharks who were already smelling frowsy - how can you stink so at the beginning of the evening, and all they’re doing is standing still?!! Your not SERIOUS! Anyways, I got myself a drink from the bar, put on my Gucci™ Stunners - that's right Fam, to look at those female stunners up in the place, took a couple swigs on my 'Juice Juices', and leaned back to watch the show.

So man is taking it all in and zoning on the vibes. DJ 'No-Mix-Just-Drop' was doing his thing, plus with the addition of the cheap ‘Juice Juices’ getting these locals loose, it had them thinking that EVERY tune was a club banger! They had no shame Fam! Shocking out and sweating up, not caring if it was 'The Pussy in Boot Dolls' or that Acorn looking brother 'Akon'.

And then DJ 'No-Mix-Just-Drop' went and did it Fam and played one Michael Jackson track, after he pulled up the track man knew it was OVER! You know there's ALWAYS one Fam. One local, random from around the way, who wants to be the hero, get me?! So this dude gets on the dance floor, makes space and strikes that 'it’s MY time' pose and holds it there under the techno-colour venue lights!

Man pulled up his steamed trouser legs, exposing eyes to socks with stars! No Fam, they were glow in the dark stars on his white socks Fam! Wait! Forget the stars - who in their sane mind wears white socks with black trousers these days Fam?! I didn't see any signs staying that it was fancy dress Fam, about your walking through the door with your white teeth black jacket sleeves all rolled up and white shirt looking like you rolled over a wet Zebra crossing! That's how you know I was clean out the ends! These East London people run tings different, get me?!

So man needed to take his eyes off of the confusion logic was facing, so I saw this chick and just smiled at her for awhile. This chick was going at it HARD Fam, touching up her weave, shoulders, knees and toes on time, on beat! Fam, her flexibility and energy was STUPID. Anyways, she clocked me clocking her, while I clocked her clocking me through her weave. So when the track done she comes over to mans and says "Hi" all cute like. So I looked at this young girl and said "Sup... But wait, how old are you?" thinking after the close up view that she’s TOO young to be in here let alone controlling a body like that and approaching with confidence get me!’ "17” she says, “and you?" I’m thinking ‘Wooooow!” and replied, "OLD! So you need to take your Rudy Huxtable looking face back to the dance floor! Come check mans in 5 years. Peace!" Yes Fam, I had to give her the look away peace sign! She just kissed her teeth at Mans, did a familiar 'Breakdance' with her neck and took that long walk back to her girls.

Man scanned the room again and clocked Ms Jones still standing there on her ones, batting off all of the Sharks advances with a simple smile and a shake of the head - you know them mans that think Akon is a music genius Fam! So I thought 'BWOY, man better make his move fast before she has enough of the Shark situation and bounces to calmer waters.’ So man walked overand just dropped it couple lines: "Saw you itching like you wanna holla at mans, so let's do this, get me?!"

Dash her drink at who?! She was on it like Speed Dial Fam! So I took her by the hand and we hit that dance floor. DJ 'No-Mix-Just-Drop' was flinging out them old school bangers Fam, and we were dancing HARD. She had me remixing them Akon tracks in her ears Fam - "Tap That" - and she just smiled and kissed my forehead.

She was about 5’10”/6’0” Fam, you know how I like them tall - make them feel like they’re running things and then when I hit the bedroom, I just flip in on them, and wax that 6'0 plus...... yeeeeeah, sorry, to much information!

So anyways, I rocked it through the night with Ms Jones. She was squeezing my ass and sucking my ear like she was in love with man! But Fam, the killer thing was... I was REALLY feeling Ms Jones. And she STILL hadn't said a word all night and man didn't even know her name, but all that just made me want her even more! So, I told her I've got that FEELING and we need to bounce ASAP. She just smiled again, so I’m thinking, ‘yep, yep, she’s bang onit!’ So we brushed passed the fake MJ and his groupies and bounced out the door. Ms Jones lead the way to her Car...

Now, in the car, I thought this was the time best to ask her name Fam... but nothing coulda prepared me for what happened next… it was like she sucker punched me in my nose Fam! The smell was as shocking as that news report where we heard that the man who climbed Everest TWICE, for no damn reason last month, was a Black man!! Shoot, I was as shocked as the White man that froze to death when he saw that Black man walking towards him up there on top of that mountain, what was he thinking?!!

So I'm there right, trying not to look so shook, looking around her car Fam, trying to find the button that opens up the windows, and my fingers were brushing aside breath mints, chewing gum and air fresheners everywhere! I drew for the handle for the door to just to let some fresh air in, for her to turn to me and open up her mouth with more sucker punches to my nose, and say that child lock was on, she'll open the door for mans when we get out!!

Her fumes made me feel like man was being drugged with that there breath of hers, and all manner of smells coming from the car get me? My eyes where now stinging and wanted to just close. Man thought it was the end, TRUST me! Then there was a loud smash, as something came through the back window of the car shocking man back to life!

Man looked back with Ms Jones I blinked through the gush of air and clocked that it was Rudy Huxtable and what looked like an older sister Fam. But guess who her sister was Fam... Yep, that's right Ms. Breakdance Queen - MS FACEBOOK Fam! They were both bouncing our way, at top speed Fam! Man was just meant to come across the river for a new bait, now mans looking bait in a car with one chick who's breath smells like fish bait, ain’t that a bitch?!

Of course man told Ms Jones to flick on that engine and make them Speedy Gonzales movements, but she didn't need no prompting, as she was already in 2nd gear before Ms FB and Ms Huxtable voices were drowned out by the noises of the streets by tyres taking corners at pronto speed Fam!

Why are you laughing Fam! This shit ain’t funny… hold on Fam, WHY can I hear your woman laughing as well?! Have you got mans on loud speaker?!! You better take me off Fam or this story is done, get me?!

Anyways...after we reached a safe distance over the bridge and man had got over the shock of what just happened, I explained to Ms Jones why Ms FB was chasing mans, and I had to put up with her stinking out the car, giving me another headache while she laughed at me like my life was a joke to her Fam!! Them aromas weren’t sexy Fam! Tonight wasn't fun, sexy ain’t meant to smell like that, it was meant to be a drink on Valentines, not an adventure!

Then it all became a haze Fam as them aromas took over. Last Man remembers, I was inhaling sharp aromas through my mouth, my ears, my nose, them smells were hitting the blood stream at lightening speeds! Two two’s, conversation started turning into flashbacks of the night….seeing the bridge to South, being held down in a kissing session with Ms Jones in her car against my own will Fam, the sight of her ass upside down as man was being carried up some stairs and then somehow ending up in my bed, naked Fam!!

You asking me like I would have been able to make this call with her her with me Fam, man don't have a clue where she is Fam, but it looks like she left the key with a note on my mirror from what man can see. What do you mean what does it say? If I could get the key, I would have unlocked these hand cuffs and read the note by now, but instead, I’m here reliving the nightmare telling you!!

So, how long are you going to take to reach anyway? Yes I know its 5am, but I need to go toilet now Fam, get me?! Stop laughing Fam, seriously, come off the phone and get dressed. And tell your women to fix up that plate while you’re at it - man’s starving here! See you in a bit. Peace!

Dúbb’l yoo T © 04/2009 Edited by: ONiT PR

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  1. yes vintage will beam bruv this is just what happened to me at yates fam lol except for the car ting der bruv it wasnt bad breath it was fags u see mi its a next ting

  2. That's always a killer, but which girl were you in Yates with hmmm?

  3. Ahhh...Willy Beam, pure madness you get yourself into... ^_^

  4. You say ut like you know him Justina lol!


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