Literature: Willy Beam's Joys of Dating... Nandos

Willy Beam's Joys of Dating... This Week: Nandos

You want all the details to what? Man’s blind date?

Fam… Jay-Z has an album for each of the spots on her damn forehead! Fam, it was nasty!

And some where so big, their shadows hid clusters that made mans think they were moving like villagers when the light hit them ya get me!

After looking at them man wished he WAS a blind man on this date fam! Cause, then I would have read them bumps on her head like one Braille message! Then would have been able to feel and decode the written message written by the last fool who lost his sight the last time one of her Easter island statues exploded saying “Get Out…” speaking to me like there was one ghost in the room fam!

But man didn’t see anything at first because her weave kept it all hidden from me! Like Ms Weave was testing mans fam, saving them for later like an After Eight mint, and man don’t even like After Eights ya get me!

Before she started exposing we got to ordering. ½ chicken, hot, with two sidelines - chips and cawslaw – Standard! And a clean glass without the side orders of lip stick or chicken grease finger prints, so man don’t have to worry, when he is washing down this establishments fine cuisine, about who was drinking from this glass, or what’s that floating towards my mouth, because them ones aint the one get me! Then Ms Weave said that she was having the same as well as corn like man was paying for her food as well, aint that a bitch!

But fammmmmm! If you could see what man was seeing when she was leaning on the till area… HOT-WILLY-DAMN did Ms Weave had potential fam, and it looked so firm like she could open a bottle with a quick clench, POP! It was mad!

Mans was go to skip dinner there and then like hunger was nothing to me fam. But checked myself, rolled my game tight and focused on the task of stimulating her mind cause I know that’s what the gal them want ya get me fam!

So you know, we held conversations for a while as they request you do on these first date situations. The dinner came, and convo is going back and forth, things are all blessed get me. She says she likes cooking; I like to be feed so that was all bubbly. She said she likes music, I nodded and said ‘Peach it girl!’. And the topic that followed was mans time to shine get me, cause that’s when she says that she likes to dance. “I’d like to see you dance, and if you’re lucky, ill even bring out the baby oil ya get me…”

What fam? Of course Ms Weave laughed, she got her woman giggles on, she was eating those lines up get me! Cause that right there, that right there, that right THERE fam is one of Willy Beam’s DON lines fam! ALL the girls’ panties fall when they hear the Willy call for the baby oil! Damn, it gave me a flash back of the time I dropped the line to your cousin… What? Naaaaa fam, I said “By now my belly was rumbling from watching Ms Weave Box of her chicken?”

Anyways… when I stated my oil ambitions, that’s was when her eyes put it on me fam, and her body came alive! She licked off the chicken juices and corn from between her fingers, brushed away the Grand National horse’s hair restricting girls vision, and THAT’s when girl exposed mans to the heavenly consolations of bumps on her forehead that should have navigated mans black ass out the door like the north star and into the wilderness!

But fam, that’s not the thing that’s got mans describing the situation sounding all high pitched right now; cause man could have popped out each one of Ms Weaves forehead star collection, flipped over this mother earth like night just turned to day, and like it was nothing to me fam, rode the back of her bus to work get me! Cause you know how Willy Beam does this fam, its nothing fam, its nufffffin!

But, it was when… it was when… Ms Weave tied her pedigree horse weave back and exposed… one seeping, green bump that looked like she had the Lock Ness monster jamming for hibernation for winter fam, all dribbling down her forehead; and with it resting easy on a main vain, it was moving so hard when the blood pumped through it, I could have picked mans phone and said “hello, is this Ms Ness? I’m calling to say that your child is hibernating in London this year. Yes, he is well, breathing deep and looking very green…” fam, it was nasty!

On seeing that, my mouth hit the table so hard a bone from Ms Weave’s plate flicked up and took my left eye out of action. Fam, when that bone hit my eye, they other one closed up with it like it was one defence system. One of them said that it didn’t want to see another chicken bone, and the other just didn’t want see the Loch Ness monsters ass wake up any time soon and turn him to stone!

And then that’s when the situation I was in hit me fam, harder than any chicken bone could have… I’m now blind, blind dating in Nandos, learning Braille through the once hidden consolation of starts found on Ms Weave’s forehead, breathing the same air as the Loch Ness monster and my camera is in the car, aint that a bitch!

So I’m sitting there fam, about to lose it in this unscheduled darkness, and all I could think of was that message left by the last fool that got to close to Ms Weave… “Get Out…”

So mans was searching frantic through all the chicken bones and pieces of corn on the table for some clean tissues’, anything to make sure there was no bone left in my eye. So she said that she would go and get some fresh ones, got up and left.

So did me and my one good eye listen to the voice , do the right thing, leave Ms Weave and kick out the door? Where was man driving to, man was blind fam!

And with this Kellogg’s crunch business, ½ chicken hot, with two sidelines AND extras for two is the Ritz when man is signing on. Waste the government’s money, fam, are you dumb? I aint no waste man!

Plus Ms Weave looked like one of those chicks that knew what to do with a ‘bone’ ya get me fam, cause the way she was feeding and sucking out the insides of the chickens carcass fam, you could tell that she was eating to please two fam; her, and Loch Ness’s encapsulated hungry ass ya get me!

And that was mans blind date fam. Why are you laughing fam, the night weren’t sexy, it weren’t funny, it was meant to be a date not an adventure!Yeah, mans eye is cool init, still in a state of shock doe. But its blessed cause its pitch black in the room, so it should be blessed for training tomorrow.

What do you mean where is mans now…? Fam, why are you asking where mans is at these times like your coming over, I’m not on them things get me, you need to get yours and put a finger to that speed dial, cause I’m in MY bed get me!...Where Ms Weave…? She’s in the bathroom washing off the baby oil. Yes fam, that what ‘m saying right now at these times get me! Go make your call and ill speak to mans in the hours. Bless….

Dúbb’l yoo T © 01/2009